Tales from the Toilet

Potty Mouth

2004-08-02T14:28:00.000-07:00

The cool thing about writing about restrooms, is that you never have to come up with new material, it's just so easy. Let's take, for instance conversations had in the bathroom. They are some of the weirdest things i've ever experienced. Especially if you are strangers, I mean you go in there and you pee and all the while you're listening to someone else pee who is listening to you pee as you both worry about the other person listening to you pee. When you finally exit the stall of torture your mysterious listening pee-er comes into view. As you both stand there awkwardly washing you hands, glancing up and smiling at each other (which, why do we feel compelled to smile! for the love of pete it's like pronouncing "hey, just listened to you pee-what's up?") when finally one of you breaks:
"hi."
"hey."
*more smiling and nodding and awkward pauses...*
"so, come here often?"
"uh, yeah actually. ..... I drink a lot"
"oh, bummer."
"yeah"
"i'm in track."
"OH! haha, of course. uh..."
(conversation rambles on for a few minutes about meaningless subjects....) then you exit feeling violated. WHY!? Why must we torture ourselves in this way?
Other reasons conversations in bathroom are weird:
1. they normally involve gossip and stupid things
2. it's just weird to talk about guys in a bathroom, just wierd....
3. if they aren't gossiping, they're crying-at least girls are, the bathroom is our escape
hey i gotta go drop off a key, more later.
peace, love and toilet paper~NoPR prez, Mandei

Whistler's Bum

2004-07-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

OH GEEZ OH GEEZ OH GEEZ... that's basically what i was thinking while i was sitting in my History class one day. I had to go, and i had to go BAD. The class was just beginning so i figured i could slip out. I made my way to the girls restroom and began to..."do my business" and man alive...i must have drank like the ocean that day or something because i was going at it for about...oh...i'd estimate a complete 5 minutes. IT WAS INSANE. but then this other class came in on their bathroom break and i didn't want them to think that i had been in there for a long time, so i held it...and waited for them to leave and started to pee again. then this girl came in and started to use the bathroom and at first i was holding it, but then it sounded like she was holding it as well. and i was like
"Well, crap with this! (no pun intended) i have got to finish for crying out loud!"
so i started to poop this time and the other girl started to use the bathroom as well and at that moment I heard the weirdest sound i have ever heard ever! It sounded kind of like a mouse dying. it was this high-pitched dog whistle of a sound. I was totally bewildered so i stopped pooping. and the noise stopped. and the girl stopped.
"UGHH...what IS this??"
i started pooping...the sound started...the girl started..
"WHAT??"
i stopped...the noise...
"OMIGOSH!"
THE NOISE WAS COMING FROM MY BUTT!!
Never in my whole life (at that point in time it had been 17 years) had my butt EVER whistled!! and now it was! in public like some freak of nature trick of the circus! WHY WHY WHY??
"Great. now i'm going to be known as the butt-whistler"
was my last thought before my reputation flushed as fast as my turds.

In the Beginning

2004-06-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

There was the hole in the ground. A nice little private place that caused no more reason for emabarrassment then eating beans for dinner for a week. Then came a nice little shelter for the hole, it was called the home away from home, the house outside the house, the outhouse. All was well and good, until people started mulitplying like gerbils and we started making bigger building to fit more people. THen to compensate we hadd to have bigger outhouses. Some of the city kids complained and they eventually moved them inside and called them Public Restrooms. The meer mention of the name strikes fear into knowing hearts. If we had only knew the embarrassments and foils and terrible life-threatening ordeals that would ensue. It was the beginning of the end. Toilet Tales. And here the will be unfolded. Here, the gruesome horrors of sharing a hole with an unmeasurable amount of other people and trying to go in peace, but you can't because they're all listening to you, here, those stories will be voiced. HEre we will find relief and retribution. And the world will know the wrath of the Naysayers of Public Restrooms! (reader disgretion advised.)